Soma: Man it’s been a long time since I’ve stomped these grounds. Time to mark my territory. Thug?: Hey, you Yukihira Soma? Soma: Well that depends… we gonna shoke? Gonna gonna hip hop scotch into the kitchen? We’re gonna shake that terrible tail feather of a… food? Want some dick over rice? Thug?: What? NO! Eizan has been shokugeki’ing people for their eyes since you left. Thug 2: W-What’s dick over rice? BillThug?: WHAT?!? They took Bills ears too? You’ve got to go but only if you’re Soma! Are you him? Are you still there? Thug4?: AH I THINK HES TRYING TO ESCAPE! Thug?: Get em! TAKE HIS EYES! *The sound of several eyeless students beating eachother up.* Thug?: I think i got him! Thug?: NO ITS ME! STOP! GIVE ME YOUR EARS! *Screaming, cutting, and crunching noises. and maybe someone saying “I need to hear again” at the end* Eizan: Hey yall! Alexa! Find me Yukihira Sōma! Do you want to shop for Yukihira Sōma? NO! damn it? He’s right in front of you! Yeah, I’m right here and my dad says I’m priceless anyways. That’s a weird thing to say. No, wait worthless. Thats the one… aw. 🙁 Buying worthless the young person’s indispensable guide to choosing the right major. NO ALEXA STOP! STOP! ALEXA! Soma: Alexa buy 43 tomatos. Buying 43 Tomatoes You listen to him!?! Alexa why!!!!! So you don’t want the tomatoes? Eizan: Alexa buy 43 tomatoes. So, why’d you call me up here? I did. You probably don’t need me to introduce myself do you? I’m kind of a big deal. No? Who are you? I only came here because some guys without eyes are screaming about you So you do want an introduction! Leave the room so I can introduce myself dramatically. No. You do drive a hard bargain! Im Eizan! AKA “Mullet Madness”. AKA “The Taker of Eyes”… Never heard of you before. Aren’t you familiar with the famous fast food youtuber chain restaurant called Kaggy’s Chicken Oh, I remember that place. Yeah gave me massive diarrhea. An i know where you took that shit. RIGHT IN MY GODDAMN POCKETBOOK! That place was gonna make me tons of money an you shut it down. Instead I only made a lot of money, which is less and bad!!! blah blah blah Let’s just skip to the part where you challenged me to shokugeki. Now now now with that blah blah blah Let’s not get too hasty. Do you know what else they call me? I’m also known as the ninth seat of the Elite Council of Doom At this school! WAIT! This school! Here! In this office! Now? Where we are? In this dimension? In this timeline? Right HERE? Next to my own ranch salad? *slime noises* That holds no nutrition what so ever? THATS RIGHT! And your not ready. There’s a tournament coming up and I can influence the council make sure you’re in it for revenge! Our revenge scheme! On you! I’m gonna revenge you. It’s a really good revenge scheme. Do you want to hear it? Nahhh, I like surprises. Curses again! You foiled my plans! Again! I’m gonna revenge you so hard it’ll be twice as vengeful! Or three times or two times Did you go back down… in revenge? Half is vengeful take it or leave it? Hmm Hmm… *with the sound of soggy ranch salad* My salad is getting soggy. I didn’t pay attention to half of that, but I’ll never back down from half a challenge I’ll enter this tournament and win! Isshiki: And in a vote of one to two Soma won’t be participating in the tournament WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO But I want it. I have a revenge plans! You’re not the only one on this council with revenge plans Eizan. I got a whole thing with a dump truck full of milk chocolate, two Apple Amato falcons, and a kitchen knife They’ll never see it coming. Hisako: No they wont ma’am *Muffled from being… somewhere?* Thank you Hisako. Can I get a woo? Woooo~ Sweet. But what if I… uh… Bribed you? I’m filthy rich. Good luck. I’m just filthy and easily corruptible. What do you got? Five… Uh… Dollars! Hmm tell you what, we open up voting to abolish the no nudity in the council chamber rule and you vote for nudity. I didn’t understand any of that, but I wholeheartedly agree. Bullshit, I won’t be ousted in my own chamber. I’ll make it a campus-wide holiday Ooooo Isshiki like~ Counter offer Eizan? I’ll make the holiday last for a month. No, wait! A year. No wait! Ill throw in a t-rex! No, wait, a naked T-REX! Isshiki: SOMAS IN THE TOURNAMENT! WOOOOOOO! Son of a! T rex is already naked! Hisako: Wooooo~ SHUT UP HISAKO! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR WOO’S! Woo retracted ma’am. Erina! Shush! You’ll wake the other members of the Elite Council of Doom. It’s nap time right now. Eizan: Oh right, I forgot! Nergrgh… *Eizan sleeping and falling out of his chair.* Board Boy?: HURRY UP EVERYONE! TO THE BOARD OF DECIDING! *Sounds of happy students stampeding* *Non enthusiastic yeah~* Board Boy?: Be gone sheet! *Cheers* Crowd Guy?: Lalalala? Crowd Guy: O M G im in! Crowd Guy: Yeah! Oh no wait I’m not on it *Screaming* Its the tournament guys WOooooOoooo they left me out. Yoshino: Im in? Your in? We’re in? WE’RE IN!!! Megumi: Huh? I did it? But i didnt do anything? Why me? Why me? Help? Hey guys, Its me! The one and only big red is back! Spread the word. Its been a long time… Megumi: Yeah its only been like a week. Because of spring break… Soma: No… I left school? I dropped out, started a car wash, broke up a chicken chain, learned that friends are meaningless compared to victory. ITS BEEN A WHILE! Megumi: Yeah cause of spring break. Takumi: Yukihira ITS ME! The one and only, Big, Mean, Linguini Its’a been a while. Yeah , only a week, cause of spring break. Over exaggerating much. N-no, I left school I drop out moved back to Italy, joined the gang in Venice! An cooked pasta for a mob boss! ITS BEEN A WHILE! Isami: Hehehehehe he had to see a docter cause you couldnt poop for a week. BROTHER NO! Support me in my horrible lie! Heheheheh no. Takumi anguished: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Looks like everyone else that was relevant passed. All we needed to my servant! Whoopi for me… Calm yourself my servant! Now is not the time for celebrating the real plan starts NEYOW! This is the first time I’m hearing about a plan… And it will be the last it’s top secret super secret! I expect you to follow it to the letter. Ryou: I’m on it. Also deflate your face lady Alice it’s weird NYOOO! You dont know if this is part of the plan! *Ryou unenthusiastically saying ow* Did you think about that? Huh? Well think again! Cause it wasnt! I guess I didn’t… This is why you’re the mastermind lady Alice. Alice: Egg-zackly! NOW TAKE MORE SLAPS! Hey big red! We were never here you never saw us. Do you want to hear my secret plans to topple my cousin though? If you tell me your plans I’ll tell every person I meet to the day I die. Perfect! All according to my plan~! Okay, sooooooooo- Deep Voice: ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll direct your attention to the figure on top of the crane you will see UraraRARARA soft: Uwah ME! URara carashima! *Classic UraraRARARA Giggle* YEAH! You guys re member me? from the thing! I was there! Yeah! Crowd of guys: I LOVE YOU UR-RA-RA! UraraRARARA Deep: SILENCE WORM! UraraRARARA Soft: Im a idol now! You wanna hear my song? *Idol music using mouth sounds* CUT THAT SHIT Deep: FUCCCCCCKKKKKKK! Soft: Youuuuuuu~!!! Congratulations you 60 compedators that won! If you didnt win sign a complans to the lutenent who filled this box with dry ice! Im a chilly willy!! Deep: HAHAHAA Soft: I got paper in my pocket! and this says *Immitating Eizan’s Accent* Have you seen this dog? Its a cool dawg! I love this dawg. Its a pretty cool dog! Can we see the dog? NO! Its my dog! Deep: FOR ME! Soft: Oh wait it has one more thing. It says. Ohhh yeah theres a medal for whoever weeeinnnns Oh Uh! MEDAL? I would stake my life on that MEDAL! UraraRARA: Oh Kay! This will be fun! No stakes then… For everybuddy but scribblz Scribblz over there! Hai Scribblz! Scribzlz Scriblz Scribblz Soma: I WILL BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES!!! And thats it! Goobye! See you all in four months for the autumn elections! Goodbye… Deep: GOODBYE. WAIT AUTUMN? ITS THAT FAR AWAY? No… NO… NOOOOOOOOOOOO Let me win now!!! MEDAL!!!!!!! *Escalates into sobbing* This ANGERS BIG RED! I WISH I WAS BIG DEAD! Isshiki: OH! So you think you can flash me mr. Sun? well, I’m gonna flash you back. Isshiki beam! Uh oh. Woops! One second Yuuki: GUYS GUYS! HOLY SHIT! ITS HERE!!!!!!!! Here it is. *Suddenly Calm Voice* Soma: Whoa is that a letter from my mom? She must of got past the goblins! Mommy’s coming home!!!! 😀 No~ Oh… Dangit. It’s dish topic for the tournament! Is your mom really in trouble with the goblins? Oh boy! Thats a thing im intrested about! Dont worry about the other thing. We got… NOTHING! Yeah passed the first round! Megumi: Turn the paper around Soma. And the theme is… Soma: CURRY DISH! I said it not you! Megumi: *Big Sigh* yeah that… thanks for taking my moment… So like uh… what’s this curry thing? You worked at a Japanese family diner and you don’t know what CURRY is? Shun: It’s racism for Indian food. Oh that curry, right? Yeah. I know that. Guys! We have a member of the Elite Council of Doom right here, Isshiki! Tell us a thing! Tell us multiple things! Word us a fact! Fact us a truth. I just found out how bribable I am. What do you guys go to bribe me? Huh? Hit me with your best bribe. We got all the stuff here at Polar Star AND MA LUCKY NICKLE! You want mayonase? Ive got fermented egg mayonase… *Strained* I fermented this mayonnaise for 16 years! Meh i could just steal all that stuff whenever I wanted. Sometimes you guys leave me here alone, and I’m just like, free stuff~. Soma: Bribable… GASP! *Several Boi’s* Spice Gremlin still at large! *Boi combo X3* Here on Campus! Boi, boi boi. I got it! I just got to bribe Isshiki to let me win the tournament. Oh, you’re too late im all bribed out. Woooo. fuck You didnt take any of our bribes. Isshiki: No, I did, just in secret. You’ll find out whose bribes I took after the elections. Stay tuned folks I get my own character arc. Well, I guess I’m gonna go with Plan B. That’s not staying tuned Am I not getting the character ar- Soma: So we take that “Spice Gremlin” by surprise and bop it in the head and have it tell us all of It’s spicy secrets, and bam! We bop it in the head. Unexpected second bop! I’m just here to chaperone you but thanks for including me. All we got to do now it’s find that gremlin. Where are we gonna find it… This might take us a while megu-gami. Uhhhh… You serious? There’s a sign… right here. Oh okay plan BBC. Let’s check this random completely random totally random house Random! And if there’s a gremlin in there, we’ll find it by SCREAMING! REALLY LOUD! TO DEAFEN IT! GREMLIN! GREMLIIIIIN! Gremlin? Are you in here Spicy? Whoa, this place is a pigsty. We must be close. Woah! Is that Himalayas Salt Rock? Huh? Oh my goodness other people! It’s been years since the last time people came! Nothing is clean!!! Im sorrryyy! No Im sorry! Im sorry for the sorry that you sorry’ed for Im sorry for all the sorry sorry thing I’m sorry, that sorry was invented by the man who was sorry for me being sorry! Sorry Sorry I’m so very sorry Soma: What door to hell did I open? wait, so you must be that spice gremlin my dad told me about! Hey how do you do~ Strike! Spice Gremlin: “Spice Gremlin” The only man who ever called me that was Saiba Joichiro the spawn of Satan and you’re his spawn spawn? Get out. GET! Im not with him so if you’ve got another one locked and loaded use it on him twice! Suprise second boop? Anyone related to that man isn’t welcome here. Get out. Okay, Jun I picked up the spices you needed. Hmm? It was cleaner in here before I left. Sooooo it’s not what it looks like. Megumi: AH Im sorry ill clean up the trash! *Akira big sigh* H-hi, I’m Jun I’m a middle schooler. Please be nice to me~. *Squeeky Teen Voice* Oh, hey there new kid here at PolarStar. We love new kids! We’re renowned for being the second friendliest dorm on campus My name is Dojima Fuckin Jin Fuckin is my given middle name cuz my dad is a dick! That’s right. Richard Fuckin Jin! Nice to meet you. Mr. Fuckin! Everyone here is really nice. Well, you gotta do is stay away from- *The sound of yawning as Diablo awakens* Hey uh… Whats all the racket goin on bois? No wait! Fresh meat! Well hello there boi~. Hi. My name is Jun! Shut up BOI! Your gunna be “Spice Gremlin” and we’re going to be the best of friends! YOUR SHIFT STARTS NOW! M-my first friend? O-Okay. RUN NEW KID! GET OUT OF HERE! ITS EL DIABLO GRANDE MINOR W-What? *The Laughter of Diablo* In that moment my body stopped aging because I died inside, which is where it counts. He made sadistic eels and taught them to cuddle people, He forced me into alligator dentistry, He made my clothes explode from sheer stress. And in the end. I hated him for it. Heh sounds like my dad was a real asshole. Glad i never picked up on that. Right oragami? Absolutely Teapot: WHISTLE!!!!! Im sorry Soma’s dad scarred you. But could you just teach me about curry instead? Neyo! I made tea for our esteemed guests Jun. It’s a rare occasion that we entertain here at the spice Shack, heh but where are my manners? Let me summon my nameplate Wow, this guy’s the real deal. Hey, Megumi what does it say? I dunno how to read japanese. *BIG SIP* I see you’ve met Jun as well. She may be the professor of this department, but I mostly run things here. Isn’t that right June? No i’m professor Jun! Pro-fes-or and I am a fully functioning full sized adult and your boss Akira *On the verge of tears* please respect me, please Okay professor Jun. Who watered the very expensive full-size plants so they didn’t die? Uh… you? And who watered the dog so it didn’t die? I didn’t know we had a dog. It was kidnapped by spice Bandidos who I fended off wearing nothing but football equipment and a rebar club. Y-you did that? Soma look at all the awesome spices that they have here. Wow thats so cool! Ill distract them Megumi stuff them in your pockets. Oh look at that, look at these plants! I wonder what they use them for? I heard everything you said and I’m willing to answer your questions. Those leaves are from the curry tree and we- please put them down, use them for- Stop stealing! Various curry dishes. What? You eat plants? That’s gross nerd. I only eat GMOs like broccoli. American broccoli! Cool Megumi: But it must be amazing that you’re able to cultivate these rare curry leaves during the cold seasons of Japan. Well, you can thank Jun for that. She’s found a way to keep the plants alive by reverse engineering cold weather. It’s called a Fridge. Oh, wow. You’re a smarts gremlin aren’t cha? Smart? You’re being too kind. I’m only a small-town professor that wants to know the secrets that lie within spices. Wow. You must really love spices That all you think about?!?! Or do you sometimes think the hands are like a bunch of organized sausages? Because that’s what I think about. I what? no, of course I think about other things like Voltron What what was that? You mean Voltron! Jun we talked about this. I honestly think the two are very alike here. Let me explain. *Akira “June” and Jun “Lemme just” on repeat* Okay. So Voltron legendary defender is a show about the paladin’s of Voltron, of course who each pilot one of five multicolored lions. Which come together to form the robotic juggernaut that is Voltron! Now first we have to talk about ships starting naturally with Shalura! Shalura is the ship name for Shiro and Allura. The first of which is a human prisioner of war and the second is an Altean Princess. Shiro has a robot arm designed by the Galra Empire, which means that he can only get his human fist inside of her. However i have a working theory that Allura’s anus may be partially cybernetic meaning it could be compatible with Shiro’s robot fist. Therefore! She’s gonna be on about this for uh… days. Wanna see where the magic happens? Oh like card tricks? No like curry, curry magic. Eugh… i guess thats okay… Oh hold on i gotta take notes on this Partially, Partially, Cybernetic, Partially, Cybernetic, Robot, Partially, Cybernetic, Robot, Fisting… Yes, this is how I become a curry master. This is how you become a curry master. I’ve spent my entire life studying spices ever since my parents died and Jun took me in. You wasted your life and your parents died. What did that ever do for you? I-I didn’t waste my life. Megumi: Soma… be nice. *Akira Sigh* It’s fine. It’s fine. Listen, Yukihira and Tamagotchi was it? Why don’t you try some of my cooking. Sounds good cook me up some of that grubba dub dub Tim Curry Jim. I’ve prepared for you three different dishes in the first you will find- I-I’m not really good with spicy things Are these spicy? Do you have milk? How much Capri Suns in this? *Sigh* Why don’t you just skip straight to the third dish? Sure! Megumi: Woah! I never knew spices could be this profound! theres a fondness to the flavor and- *With burned tongue* THIS IS SPICY! U LIE TU ME! U LIAR! That’s right Yukihira Soma and that’s not all. That dish could win nationwide competitions and I shat it out in a few minutes. This dish is better than anything you’ll make in your entire life and you’ll never even know why. Hes right Soma! This dish is better than YOUUUUUUUUU! Wooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Woooo? I spent years of my life honing my census, perfecting my craft to the point where I can detect it. “The Curry Zone”. And its far beyond your wildest dreams. Why you bein so mean to me man. Because I don’t like you Yukihira Soma. Ever since you gave your little speech at the beginning of the year. I knew I wanted to kick your ass. And even though I was selected to participate in the autumn elections, I had no plans to win. However, now that I see how much you want to win, I think I might reconsider. Because the only thing that would hurt you more than losing. Is seeing your medal with my name on it Of course Shalura has only one natural predator Shith *Shiro Keith?* because of the twin penis… Synergy, are you guys taking notes because this is going to be on the test? Uh wha uh-huh wha? Pft well, good luck passin in the first round. Its not like your good at making curry dishes or anything. *Strained* Oh, no wait… With my super natural sense of smell, There is no way you can possibly win against me Aoyama Akira. Well sorry to burst your bubble Curry nerd but thanks to you, I know about the curry zone and I’ll be the one taking home the medal. Uh but did you not remember that I’ve been studying curry an spices my entire life S-SO? IM STILL GONNA WIN! Ive got 3 months! Watch me become a master curry chef Hahaha! Akira my spice pupil’s have turned into salt and- Ugh hey you… I think my Cookcyx just broke. Im losing my sense of cooking! Ugh… I think i need 3 months to recover Hey kids Doc Dōjima here. The Cookcyx six is a super real bone. It’s home is in your rib parts. Just south of the Bake-bone and just behind the Stew-num. The only thing that can destroy it is a door handle wielded by a gremlin. But gremlins were eradicated in the war of 1812. So you’re probably fine. Anyway will Yukihira Soma be able to beat Hayama Akira in the future tournament? Will ma-ma-megumi win the love of her new “Spice Gremlin” mama! Will constable turnbuckle ever pull one over on that lunch pack of Notre Dame! Probably not! Sometimes dreams don’t come true like Soma here. He’s FUCKED. Anyway, Dojima Fuckin Jin OUT! SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT *Squeeky Teen Voice* Hey there folks Dōjima from the past here future me sounds really cool. I bet he has a cooking doctorate or something. If you want to help me become a cooking doctor and make my dreams come true Then support the Schmucks squad on patreon episodes will come out faster that way! also follow us on Twitter and Twitch at the Shmuck Squad. Okay back to the Past. Bye~.