How to set healthy boundaries in a toxic relationship || Q&A 002

How to set healthy boundaries in a toxic relationship || Q&A 002



hey you guys it's Irene Lyon here now I am here today to answer a question I put out a notice to my facebook community healthy nervous system revolution if you are not part of that group make sure you head over there after this video and asked to be added and I'll add you and then you can be part of the conversation so I had I just said got any questions for me around the nervous system health healing trauma resiliency neuroplasticity etc and I got four questions and I'm gonna answer them in separate videos so here's one that I want to answer Shannon asks how do you set up healthy boundaries with a spouse who does emotional abuse and abandoning behavior I would like to try to learn to heal in the marriage while setting up a kind but solid boundaries around myself so I can heal I think I forgot how to do that for myself as I've always tried to please to keep the peace and now I know that that way is hurting me so here's the thing Shannon and all of you guys listening to this first of all thank you for asking the question and secondly you got to figure out what the actual boundaries are that you are wanting to impose right from the sounds of it there's a lot of emotional abuse going on neglect you said there's a abandoning behaviors first of all that sucks I'm so sorry that that is happening and you definitely want to make sure that you get out of that because that is not something that is conducive to healing so the first thing that you need to be able to do is to find a way to ask your husband involve him in this process and from the sounds of it it's gone pretty far and that this is perhaps been a pattern for a long long time and the one thing that's interesting about relationships is that because of our nervous system and how it works it is it is created based on our relationships so when we are really really little and I'll post of to go with this to explain a little bit about that importance of bonding but we learned based on our primary caregivers if they were solid and there for us and gave us healthy attachments they set boundaries for us we will seek out that in our partners however if we didn't get that if our caregivers were not able to give us boundaries were you know wishy-washy with their emotions maybe they didn't allow emotion to be expressed or maybe the flipside there was too much heated emotion and nobody knew how to self-regulate we will become used to that and we will actually in a very strange way seek out what we had when we were young for many people watching this that might sound like really bad news cuz it's like oh my goodness my upbringing was crap I didn't have good bonding I didn't have good attachment it was abusive or no one was ever there for me and so we find ourselves in these situations where we get into relationships where it perpetuates this so the key is to first of all realize this one thing and that is that we get into relationships so that we can heal but or and both parties involved have to be interested willing and wanting to do the work to move forward so if I think about myself for example I was married previously I'm married now happily but my previous marriage bless his heart we grew apart and there was definitely a miscommunication an emotional lack of attunement we just our systems didn't fit and when things started to kind of go sideways and South I approached and asked you know I'd like to go see a therapist and his first reaction was therapy is for those who are weak and it basically is going to show that I've failed now this person um grew up in an environment where he never did anything right he always was told by his caregivers his father you know you're not good at anything it always takes you forever to figure things out so there was a big imprint of failing and never being good enough and don't show your weaknesses culturally he also had something going on with the way the culture kind of created this stiff British upper lip situation where you didn't show your emotions right emotions were bad and so me being in an emotional being and starting to learn more about my own body and heal my own stuff I wanted to fix this stuff I wanted to be in relationship with someone who wanted to work on this so we tried we went to therapy and there was a point where the therapist said to him do you realize that if you don't start to dive into some of these more uncomfortable things you're gonna lose this this girl Irene and I don't think it really sunk in time went on and eventually it didn't work it didn't work there was not enough meeting there wasn't enough differentiation within our relationship um fast-forward to now this my ex is doing well he's with another partner I have no idea what kind of healing occurred in that relationship but it's not my problem right but in me deciding at that point okay I've done everything that I can we've tried this it still doesn't feel good to me I haven't had to make a conscious decision to to say I can't I had to put up a boundary right so you asked the question Shanon boundaries you know how do I put up good boundaries or how do I instill these you've got to decide what those boundaries are it might mean that your boundary is that you cannot continue and to voice that to your to your partner and see what happens next right we cannot force an individual to grow and change I often say we can show them the door but they have to walk through it that's one thing that I want to cover is what kind of boundaries are you looking for I'm going to go out on a limb to say that it really does sound like having an outside source whether it's a counselor a pastor a support group something where you both can go and get help because when the behaviors are in any way infantile emotionally immature it's really tough for the two people involved to figure it out you need to have somebody else in there guiding the conversations so there isn't more abuse so there isn't more stonewalling so there isn't more abandoning and just leaving the situation which does happen so that would be my first step if for some reason your partner does not want to do that then you have to make the next decision it's really hard to heal our own personal systems whether it's from chronic illness mental illness or moving forward with a business idea and wanting to be creative it's really hard to do that when our primary partnership doesn't support it and we don't feel safe so if there is a safety issue where you are not feeling safe to be yourself to do what you need to do to get support from him or her you need to change that and of course it's easy for me to just say that you're in your own situation so you need to figure out how to do that what other forms of support you can bring in from the outside to give you a little bit of foundation so that you can go forward and make some probably tough decisions but from my experience and I'm just going to be really truthful the clients I've worked with who do not have good support in their marriages and their families they don't get they really don't get well it's really hard to heal when we have a toxic environment and we're doing all the right stuff um it could be a job that you're in it could be think about it if you're living in a house that's infested with mold and toxic chemicals you can eat all the great food in the world do all the great mindfulness work get therapy but if you come back to that house and there's something that is dangerous and unsafe to your physiology you're not gonna get better so that would be my suggestion you really got to look at your environment how it's treating you and then make a decision with the partner or without if the person isn't involved involved and on board you have to make a really tough decision of course if there are children involved you have to see their well-being as well because those little ones are gonna feel the tension between the two caregivers and if the two caregivers are not in sync and aligned and moving forward in the same way then they're gonna feel it they're going to act out they're gonna end up having difficulties of their own so that's my answer to that question it's not the easiest answer and these are things that we work on continually even though I've got a awesome relationship with my husband we still every six to eight weeks we go and see one of our colleagues he's a friend practitioner also studies and works around the somatic healing arts psychotherapy because we have stuff that comes up and we are both committed to having an outside source look at our you know we're not perfect right look at our situations and go okay well what would it be like to be this to feel this or ask him this question this way etc so I'm gonna leave it at that in a in a little bit I'm gonna have an interview out with a woman by the name of Catherine Catherine Woodward Thomas I'm gonna interview her on her book called conscious uncoupling she is a psychologist who's written about marriage and also divorce how to find your soul mate but also how to uncouple from your soul mate if that situation if that partnership is no law working I think if something needs to occur where people go separate ways if it can be done consciously that is awesome but sometimes that's just not the case the partner has to be involved so I wish you all the luck I wish all of you that are listening to this healthy happy and safe relationships it's super important for our healing if we're not in a safe environment I will reiterate this again if we are not in a safe environment our nervous system cannot it can't come down it will always be on guard it will always be hyper-vigilant and then that ricochets into our hormonal system into our organ systems into our brain systems and it just taxes the system in general so healthy safe supportive relationships are key they are so key all right so if you are watching this video and you are not either on my website or on my youtube channel head over to one of those subscribe to this channel or sign up for my email updates you'll see if you go to my website I've got lots of freebies that can help you get more into your body start listening to your own biological impulses because that's the key in moving forward in relationship we have to listen to our own bodies feel what's good for us and then figure out what do I need to ask of my partner or put up as a boundary etc so that we can move forward together in a healthy relationship alright that's it for now thank you so much for being here we will see you next

6 comments

  1. And for after the unconscious coupling when you meet a new prospective partner, perhaps this:

    http://www.consciouscouplingthebook.com

  2. Rosenberg's book is very good. Also, taking action and accepting that you do have choices is a huge breakthrough.

  3. I totally disagree with your way of seeing things. A lot of times the other person is not willing to work on himself because the insight, the inner consciousness of what should be isnt strong enough in him yet. And that is because of a previous bad conditionnement, a lack of love, just like I can have bad conditionnement in other areas of my life. And the greatest gift you can give that person you love is to distance yourself, dont take things personnally and open him to a new way of living. We all are closed to love in our own way, and we all wish for someone to open our eyes.

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