My Mental Health Story | Self Harm, Suicide and Depression

My Mental Health Story | Self Harm, Suicide and Depression

hello everyone I know that the last video posted I said that I was gonna post them for a while I'm yeah um I talked to somebody get ready with me that will be up I think next week as you guys want it sooner than let me know it's nothing particularly special but it's basically just kind of well makeup I wear everyday if I'm gonna wear makeup this will probably be the makeup I wear but today's video is quite a requested one from the moment that I started posting videos this is something that was quite highly requested so yeah this is my mental health story therefore I'm gonna put a trigger warning here there's going to be mention of self-harm suicide like hospital I'm not gonna go into any detail about any incidents or anything like that but if you're in a particularly vulnerable place I wouldn't watch this this is just my experience my story with my mental health in the hope that I can maybe help even if it's just one person kind of notice the early signs because I think that if there had been intervention earlier then my mental health wouldn't have deteriorated to the point it's that now basically so yeah if she dies need any support or anything I will make sure to leave contact details down below for like this like the Samaritans or mind things like that where you can contact someone and you can get some support so yeah I guess I'll just so I guess I kind of start when I was a kid I grew up with like in a house and my mom and I didn't get along my dad taking well they split up when I was 2 so I never really lived my real dad but like that didn't really bother me too much because I always said that I've not really known any different so yeah to be honest I didn't really I guess the first kind of sign that I was struggling with my mental health was around the age of 12 because something went on in my family I don't want to go into it because it's very personal it was very public as well yeah I'm not gonna go into that but basically I had some move schools I said I had a whole year at a new school in year 7 and then I then had to move again to a different school in year 8 so that was the whole aspect of having to meet new people again and settle into a whole new school and I didn't have their easiest time because it was in the same town people knew why I had moved and people made comments suppose it wasn't that many people it was mainly like just boys really making snide comments but that passed relatively quickly and I managed to find some like a friendship group that I would sit and have lunch with which was really nice yeah it wasn't until I take kind of March of your 8 that I kind of noticed my deteriorating mental health at the time I didn't really know what was going on this was when I started to self-harm yeah so I was 13 and I don't remember how I found out about self-harm I think at the time I did have a tumblr account I still do I try not to use it but I'm pretty sure that's how I found out what it was and it started off I was very secretive about it I didn't want anyone to know at the time I felt really ashamed because even I like I didn't even know why I was doing it myself and I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it because I didn't know what was happening myself I didn't know why I felt this need to hurt myself I don't know why there was an urge there but anyway so that started and this is kind of when I started to have suicidal thoughts I remember the amount of times funnily enough it was this that room that I was in I remember being that age and I would just sit on my bed and just cry I didn't know why I was so upset I just couldn't stop crying I knew that I didn't want to be alive I knew that I didn't want to have to put up with this any longer but the thoughts didn't really come out there was no like specific moment where I was like oh I feel fine and then I feel suicidal there's no like in-between it would just flip and it was it was hard because obviously I didn't know why I felt like that so I didn't know how to get out of it I think I remember talking to a couple of friends at that point I don't think that many people knew what I saw palm at that point maybe a couple of friends did but again it was very new to me so I kept it very secret and I didn't really want to tell anyone at that point I guess my mental health kind of got worse as like the self-harm continued it wasn't it wasn't an everyday thing it was maybe like at that point it was a lot more kind of under my control it was more so like it wasn't that frequent but obviously it shouldn't have anything but it was and over kind of the next few years I was still stuff farming I still felt suicidal and it wasn't until year 11 that things started to get quite bad it was becoming more frequent and at this point my parents still didn't know by the way and but then a few people at school started to notice and the French at group housing at the time I remember having a few conversations with them online about it and you know they were really kind they would offer me like if I needed space like I could go on the house after school which was so nice and I really appreciated that like help at the time obviously I wasn't I wasn't accessing any professional help at that point because I had no idea what's going on myself so yeah you're 11 exams I did them I don't remember them that much I don't remember the time that time very well I just revised and kind of got on with it really and what I tend to do with exams is I we ignore my deteriorating mental until the exams are done and then normally I have kind of like a big breakdown after the exams are finished so I think that's kind of what happened in year 11 I remember being really scared because I was going into sick form and I'd applied for college but I wanted to do a levels instead so I went to sick form and I remember the summer of year 11 feeling really scared because obviously sick form is very different to when you were in lower school and I just I didn't really want to expect the start up stick form was very rocky for me I had lost my best friend we stopped talking over summer and we just kind of drifted apart as friendships do and yeah I things I found a new friendship group at that point and we had quite it was quite a big group of us perónist only words have like we would swap whose house we go to the weekend and we would have like house parties and stuff no it was a really good group of people and looking back it was nice because these people like they weren't people that you would kind of well I initially thought that I would click with but some of them were my absolute best friends for a stick form and I have so many funny memories with them so yeah that happened I this one I've got my first job – I got my first job with in retail and this in September of year 11 years 12 cystic from which I started and I had just started working it was a new short contract it was like four hours in the weekend so yeah that wasn't too bad and then at my school they also they had a cleaning position and it was paid like eight pound an hour or something which is like and because obviously like I was still 16 and to get like eight pound an hour was amazing so I applied for the cleaning job I didn't think I'd get it I got it so that kind of I was he caused issues it was obviously my fault because I had applied for the job knowing full well I already have another job so this is when I started working seven days a week I would do two hours after school every day cleaning and at the weekend I then started working Saturdays and Sundays so because as I got closer to Christmas obviously retail gets a lot busier and their hours that they needed me to work went up a lot so I was working seven days a week as well as sick for five days a week so it was I don't know how I did it genuinely I don't know how I lasted even the couple of months that I did whilst doing both of those jobs it was incredibly difficult I would not recommend that to anyone out of school they literally said that there should be like a set limit of how many hours you should work a week while still in sick form and at the start I saw no it's fine like that's just silly but they actually it was good that they had but in place and I should have followed that from the beginning but I didn't I know at seven days a week so that was incredibly difficult but that led up to me I quit my cleaning job November so there was September October November where that was like my schedule at this time I was self harming but not as frequent as it as it becomes basically so it was still something that I was struggling with but because I was keeping busy with my friendship group at that time and working I basically didn't have time to think about anything else so it was still an issue but it wasn't as big of an issue it was January of year 12 where things started to go a lot that was incredibly difficult because that is the time when the school found out about self-harm they suppose I can't remember how the school found out I think a teacher noticed in a lesson and I then had to go see the welfare people so that happened and I got really upset about it because obviously it was like it felt like it was my thing it because I hadn't really told anyone else about it except a couple of friends I did I was my thing it was I didn't have to tell anyone about it it was just like it was like my safety blanket basically and I remember January of year 12 I was sat down in the common room during a lesson that I should have been in and I was just start there crying and I couldn't stop and I sat down with someone who would become one my closest friends in year 13 and I basically just that I didn't want to be alive anymore I was really struggling and then the one of the head of sick people they came in and they were like all like trying to come see the welfare people I'll come with you so we went I spoke to them and I just sat there in silence because I was being stubborn about it and from that point on the school a lot more aware of my mental health issues but honey I had a fucking big storm come in they didn't tell my parents because they didn't deem me to be that big of a risk to myself at that moment in time so they didn't tell my parents obviously I was they there was no they didn't see any issues regarding welfare so they didn't have to tell them basically so yeah that happened and my mental health continued to deteriorate right from January to like me I went to the doctor's okay the first time I ever went to the doctors for mental health was January of 2016 so that was journey over year 12 and I remember sitting in the appointment with my best friend at the time and I sat down and said I was struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts and I found it really hard to talk to this guy about it because he had absolutely zero people skills he just seemed like he wanted me to just get out of the room because he just he doesn't even seem to care at all basically so he said he asked if I had any plans to do anything I said no and then he continued to go into specific ways that I could do something or act on my thoughts so I just kept saying no because even though I had I didn't feel like a trust in because obviously he was just that here reciting ways that I could harm myself and it wasn't helpful so I left and I felt very disheartened because this is the first time I went to the doctors about it it took so much courage to even make that appointment and I came out if he knew worse so I was in a different friendship group at this time now I it was kind of a big group of girls we oh I don't really know how we all just kind of like merged together and we were really close for the next like six months we would have like pizza nights which every key things like that it was a really good group of people and I am eternally grateful for that because we had some really funny times during sit for about that and the next kind of I guess the big thing is happened May of 2016 so my mental health can Terry – Terry continued to deteriorate I took rapid rate I hadn't told my parents till I was self-harming almost every day I felt suicidal all the time it doesn't isn't stop basically and at this point I was meant to be sitting my guests exams and I basically stopped going to school I would when I did go in I would miss pretty much every single time tabled lesson that I was meant to go to I was at home a lot of the time because I just wanted to spend time alone I would email in and say look I'm not very well can you send me the work and teachers would send me to work looking back and this was kind of a big should've been a big warning but I didn't know because this has never happened to me before so eventually the stick form team picked up on the fact that obviously wasn't really attending anymore and they called me and said like next time you're in like just kind of a chat we can sort our support and stuff so bearing in mind at this point I hadn't been referred to cams I know not that I'd really want to but I wasn't because like because there had been no real communication between any services or school about my deteriorating mental health their affair would has never really happened so yeah i sat my AAS exams I don't know how because I didn't really revise because my mental health was just crap I didn't do very well in them at all I pretty much failed them which was disheartening but giving circumstances I was in it was you know it's not it wasn't it shouldn't have surprised me that didn't do very well basically this is when the friendship group started to break down because I became very disconnected I wasn't talking to anyone I wasn't replying to messages because I wasn't being in school like I wasn't talking to anyone I was cutting myself off from everyone which is something that I do when I struggle but because that's the first time like I had really had a proper breakdown like I didn't I didn't recognize the signs because I didn't know what was going on so I was shutting myself off from everyone spending time alone I wasn't talking to my parents because basically we would argue a lot at home but that didn't really help do it so yeah it was June of 2016 when it was after AI 6-ounce finished and I kind of expected there to be this step where you know exams are finished I could know like chill at least until for a couple more months until I enter year thirteen but I felt worse because I hadn't done very well on my AAS exam I knew that I hadn't because I had barely revised I was losing friends very quickly I wasn't talking to anyone I wasn't talking to my parents I was so alone it was my fault because I cut myself off and there was one day at school where I cancel crying I wasn't going to any lessons I got taken out by one of the welfare people and they asked me to go see like the head of welfare that afternoon and this basically caused the biggest panic attack I have ever had it I couldn't breathe I was hyperventilating I just I can stop I didn't know how to make it stop I have mascara or down my face and the head of sick form basically cool means the office like basically took me with her because obviously I wasn't really talking because I was a bit busy no went into office and she said right let's go see her now she even offered to drive me all the way up to school in her car which is quite funny but I walks up to the head of welfare and I was like I'm fine I was like I just need to get over this like bump and they said well like they said we're going to contact your parents because at this point they were worried for my welfare so I begged them not to I literally it made me worse illness i sat there cried and cried and cried because I didn't want them to contact my parents because again this was my secret and like it was my thing I didn't want them to take that away from me they said they were going to contact them I got up and walked out of this meeting thing because I just like no like I'm sleeping so I got up walked out and at that point I found when I was walking back down I was just gonna walk out of school that I found one of the teacher one of my teachers who I'd spoken to a couple days before and we went he like you saw how happy I was and he went into a room and he was like I explained in situation I spent how I walked out of the room so they don't know where I am so they he was like I can't gonna contact them just to let you know that like you're safe and that and so he called them and their phone rang right outside the room where we were and so obviously they came in and I was like brilliant and I then told me that they had contacted my parents my parents were on their way so that was sound I pretty much does not stop crying at this point and this whole time I was like no like it's fine I gotta talk to them in my own time like I'm safe I'm gonna rub them on my letter and I'm going to explain everything they said basically no wasn't good enough and my parents were on their way already so I went to go pick up my bag they stopped me from picking up my bag which two minutes I don't think they should have done because obviously it was my property no I just wanted to pick up my bag and go for a walk because it was pretty much the end of school time but like school was finishing in like 20 minutes I think by this point so I went to pick up my bag and they wouldn't let me so I got up and left the room I didn't have my phone the only things I had on me was a snotty tissue in my back pocket and my cardigan obviously I was wearing like a top when I had my cardigan because it's very hot very you know oh my god doesn't make any sense I have my cardigan on because I couldn't show my arms basically it was very hot so that's why and I walked into the sickroom areas to find one of my friends to talk because I was like shit I was like I need a friend just someone so I went to sit for Mario's no one was there so I then proceeded to walk out of school I didn't have anything on me I had no idea what the time was I had no idea where I was going I didn't know what to do I walked to there's a country park near where I live and I walked all the way there because I just needed space basically so I walked myself over there and I sat on a bench I cried for a little bit and there was a lot of people who like to start with dog cuz I was like oh my god I've no idea what time it is like obviously at some point I knew that I needed to go back home I just didn't want to so that happened and I did like maybe an hour and a half later I left that park and I walked home I walked home through like it was a lot of cybers because I was like to be sneaky and I didn't want to say anyone so cuz I look like a mess and I'm so sweaty like very – was June so like we're talking like it was hot because there was a heat wave at the time so I walked home walked into the house and my mother was about to call the police because obviously they were like where's Katie you have no idea where she is I went into my room and my mom asked me to roll up my sleeve I said no she said we're gonna go to the doctors right now so she pretty much dragged me to the doctors which I know she did out of care but I just don't think it's really the right way to go about it so dragged me to the doctors they said they were going to do a blood test because they were like oh you could be anemic because I was like I'm just tired all the time so you've got older blood tests you could be anemic that like might help so there was no real plans that they were gonna make a referral to Cam's yeah they said that and then that caused further breakdown within the home like so before I wasn't even talking to my parents whereas now it was different like I wasn't talking to them because I didn't want to I felt really awkward that they know knew that I was self harming and felt inside all that like I didn't feel comfortable talking to them a lot of it so it made things worse I then started to go to sick form less and less I was letting I was like I was purposely starting starting arguments but not purposely I didn't realize that I was doing it but I was arguing with pretty much all of my friends at this point because I wasn't a very nice person at this time I didn't care about anything I because I didn't care about anything that kind of things just kept falling apart basically so we're at the end of June now and I feel so isolated from everyone I was losing friends very quickly and I wasn't getting all my parents so as you can imagine that was a very lonely piece that be I was a shell of a person basically and July the South July it was work experience week and I went to one day of work experience and the whole day I felt so anxious I got so on edge and the suicidal thoughts were very loud and I came home and I remember sitting in my bed and I was okay like I need to ask for help and that was the first time where I kind of knew how bad things have got so I should have asked the help at that point but I didn't I went to bed and this was the first time that I attempted suicide it was 4th of July 2016 and I was it was really hard I remember I'm not going to go into how or whatever but I sent a message to some friends and I then went to sleep hoping that I wouldn't wake up I then so I spit it's hard to talk about I I woke up around half four five in the morning and I didn't feel very well at all and in the morning when I was supposed to get a for work experience my mum came up because I'm seeing my friends had messaged her I'll worry and my mum came upstairs so that I was fine or like I said that I didn't feel very well and she went to work and then I remember being in bed and my brother there's knock at the door and my brother came upstairs and someone had called an ambulance so I went downstairs and this woman mother just came home and me was sat in the ambulance together and I went Hospital yeah I had to wait to be seen and like physically checked over so that took a while while that involved a and I just wait to see cams basically that was the point where they were like oh we're gonna refer you but first you need to see something we can go home and they said I'd have to wait to the next day but actually someone came it was like 7 o'clock so I came I'm like oh he's safe to go home all that jazz and I opened up to them a bit more about how I'd kind of got to that point and like things have been happening there that made me do you I did eventually they let me go home I went into sick form the next day – I had like accounts an appointment so I went to that and that was obviously quite difficult because obviously it was very raw still I definitely should have gone I don't know why these don't even let me go to that one expert well and this was then their this was when they told me that over the summer I was going to get counseling from cams I was like an emergency referral or something so that happened and I went to a couple of appointments over the summer but I hated the therapist I saw she was she wasn't very understanding and at this point I was 17 so I was like I'm not a child like why am I being treated like a child and I basically I relied on the fact that my mum would forget to take me so over the summer I spent a lot of time at the friend's house and my mum just eventually kind of forgot about the appointments and I wasn't going to remind her because so yeah I kind of continued to deteriorate over the summer I pretty much failed my AAS levels I remember results there I felt so depressed because I was so sad I was so annoyed at myself that I'd let myself do so badly when looking back to even still do the exams was crazy so that happened I went back to sick form start of year 13 I had no friends I spent my time alone because I pushed everyone away and then I found another little friendship group we it was a really good pressure group at the time excuse me it was a really good friendship group at the time we didn't really do a lot outside of school but like each kind of of them individually like we do little things here in there that was nice this was my start to apply for you knees I applied for York which I loved but I couldn't afford to go to University of Birmingham which obviously if you follow units around or just know that's where I go now so I got in yeah that kind of happened I don't remember too much about that time to be honest it was mainly like January to March where my mental health got worse and worse and worse so I had been let off from my job much to my mother's dismay I was letting everyone down I had no job I wasn't attending sick fun properly I was losing friends and this is when my self-harm got very bad I was self harming pretty much everywhere I had lost control completely and it just wasn't a very nice place to be in March of 2017 I made the second attempt on my life and I had to I'm waking up and it took me about three hours to actually text my mom and ask for help so that happened I had a I was an inpatient within the General Hospital and just kind of make sure that like they didn't deem me safe enough to go home basically and they had to me check me physically again throw a bit longer this time so that happened and I saw hams before I left and they basically said like oh you don't need inpatient and that's like what you don't need that and just focus on your exams we're gonna room you get your mom to remove any like sharps from Maryam house whatever see that you can die myself yeah and then he was pretty useless for now it's obvious he was like well your mum's gonna remove all the sharps but if you really wanted to self-harm still you could sell fun with pretty much anything and I was like what's and what why would you tell me that like weird but anyway that was something that he said and then I came home I saw social worker we they didn't really escalate that too much to be honest and then I went back to sick for the next few months the very very very difficult I was betrayed by my best friend who made a suicide joke in reference to me on I had basically walked our lesson because I was very distressed about the subject that they were talking about and my are better has saw me and then should we continue to make a joke to people some people then told me I got very upset obviously because I've just been completely betrayed by my best friend and this literally broke my heart because after years of losing friends this was kind of the first time was like right like I'm not going to mess this up and then obviously I was completely betrayed by her looking back now though I'm almost grateful that that happened because obviously she's not a very nice person she's not someone that I would have wanted to be friends with anyway so now I could look back and feel grateful for that but I see at the time it was really hard I spent the last few months of sick form a smaller friendship group which broke down during the summer because we just didn't really click anymore let's say all my teachers basically hated me because they told me that like I'd be lucky to pass my a levels I passed my a levels I did very well on many levels I got a star a star a when I was told that I would fail so that means I got into Birmingham and because I got above the grades that I needed to get in so I was so happy and so ready to get to University and be like I didn't expect all of my issues to go away but I thought that being at uni being in a new environment I thought it would give me the chance to like fully for the first time like embrace this change and use it as a reason to recover because they I'd work so hard to get into uni I got in and I didn't waste it basically the first week of freshers I got along with my flat fine I found friends and I thought things were okay and then I realised that actually the people that I have become friends with who you own you were very different people I kind of just clung to them because that's kind of what you do during freshers like you were all terrified to make new friends so you will just kind of click with the people closest to you until you kind of fizzle out and then eventually find people that you have like similar interests with and I would call my mom every night after that crying saying about how and I wanted to leave I didn't I care and it was really hard the first time was incredibly difficult myself arm again escalated it was happening every single day because this was the first time but it was like alone-alone whereas at home I was still more aware of my self-harm because obviously like if I saw harm then I couldn't wear shorts these downstairs things like that I like what whereas at uni it was like well I can just cover up and it's only me who kind of has to worry about that I didn't have to worry about other people seeing basically and the first year meanie was really hard for me it was incredibly difficult I don't know how I got through it to be honest I spent a lot of time on my own in my room sleeping I wasn't sleeping I was probably just watching a film or TV or something my life felt like it had absolutely no meaning and I ended up in hospital again in March I walked myself that I went there alone initially and then went then a friend a really good friend and then house me came and met me and stayed of me the whole night which I was so grateful for and they basically said like obviously they're gonna try and refer me kind of extra help that didn't really happen because I by the time that the help came basically it was time for me to move back home again so I sorry suggested to my parents I didn't um but I came back here for the summer yeah it wasn't I just think is Oh like if I'm leaving big gaps it's because nothing really happened during that time like momento have just deteriorated gradually last summer I was spending quite a lot of time of my own to be honest at the start I spent some time with some friends from school again that kind of fizzled out does it always seems to happen with me so I spent the time home the dogs with my parents whatever I started University again in September so I was in second year at this point and I had made a meal into a new flat and they are the most amazing people in the whole world i befriend them a long time I hope they were really really good people and we all clicked really instantly and it was amazing but it was a start of October 1st of October that I got a message on Instagram from someone who I had never liked I didn't know them basically I had a friend called Ally we met she messaged me on tumblr 2016 we said we spoke for two years we would talk as mainly at night because I wasn't in sleep a lot somewhere else in the world I'm gonna say where and yeah we would basically you became each other's like kind of close kosis friend we would voice chat video chat on Instagram we gave each other's numbers so you talking whatsapp Ali had a mental health issues and the last time I spoke to her was the end of September it was I think the 27th September and she sent me a message saying and that like she hopes are settling in what settling in well at uni and I was too busy to reply because I was in the lecture and on the first of October I got a message from someone saying that Ali had passed away she had taken her own life last day September which was incredibly difficult to process because obviously I never got to meet Ali we lived hours and hours and hours away from each other and there was no way that we could meet at least not until later on so that was really hard she was one of the kindest people I had ever spoken to she had a heart of absolute gold and that was gone sorry I just took a little break so I got a message about Ali and I was really upset because she was such an amazing person she deserves so much better than what she got and at this point I wasn't accessing any mental health services I wasn't under any teens or anything I went to the doctor's the following week and they referred me as an emergency referral because of what had happened and I got a phone call pretty much immediately where I was told like you know I'm going to be referred to a community team I had like a 30 40 minute conversation feels like an assessment on the phone with someone from that team and then I was meant to hear back from them and like a couple of weeks October to kind of November was a bit of a blur but I got along with my flatline everything was kind of it was hard but I was trying to keep myself distracted I find it incredibly difficult to attend lectures and especially seminars because I hate being alone I don't like feeling like I've not got anyone there and that's exactly what I felt like so that happened and at the end of November I had another incident where I had to go to Annie so I went there and they referred me to crisis and home treatment and they basically crisis came over the next day and I was seeing someone from home treatment I think it was every other day at the beginning and then they were like every two days so yeah that happened they weren't particularly helpful home treatment in my area was that she the shittiest thing that I'd ever help help I'd ever dealt with and I was under them from November till May than May just gone so that's a long time to be under home creep and Tim treatment home treatment and crisis because obviously the whole point is that you're in an imminent crisis and they should help you whereas I was in a crisis for like six months so that was fun yeah in January I went back to uni I was crying all the time I was so depressed I was self harming every day I was doing it in places I hadn't done it before and that's how I know that things were getting worse than me because that never happens and I saw I saw psychiatrist once a week and it was around February when he was like look we're gonna look into an admission for you because you're obviously not safe you're self harming more and more you basically need to get more control of it and we think an admission would be helpful like to a psych ward and I was like okay Louis I don't really see why because I'm don't I would didn't think I was that ill looking back now I was I wasn't myself I again lost all care I was doing so I no longer cared what I did I didn't care how I fell I didn't care about myself so I just let myself get worse essentially they looked for a bed for me for they were they were like semi looking for at two months it was only in the last month they really kind of fully look I was told that I was on the bed list from they told me I was in bed of some February I didn't get a bed until the 50 then 15 for April where I was then admitted to a psychiatric ward I live in Birmingham when I'm at uni and I was admitted four hours away in Southampton which was really hard I was away from like I couldn't have any visitors my curd but like I didn't expect people to drive all that way or travel that way it wasn't fair so my mum came like a couple of times she came at least once a week every week which I was grateful for and it was really difficult but they basically used that as an opportunity to change my meds and just kind of get more control in terms of the self-harm I had a couple of incidences whilst I was in there and to be honest I was in there longer the more incidents I was having because I was so distressed all the time there was a few things that happened in there that I'm not comfortable talking about but it made me feel really uncomfortable I was on a mixed ward and I had things happen with some of the male patients that was not nice at all and I was basically told that you know they're not very well so I need to take that into account but also like I was in there because I wasn't very well and my feelings weren't really taken into account but whatever that service for you isn't it so I kind of just like right I got into the mindset that right I just need to get out of here I said to my psychiatrist in one of my CPAs I said like look I think inpatient is doing more harm than good because I found it really difficult because the night time that I shall go motors at nighttime and it was always agency staff that was on instead of like there was no consistency there's nothing wrong agency staff at all but in my specific Hospital there was no like I didn't know who was gonna be on shift a lot of the time every single night pretty much was me meeting new people who didn't know me they were told whatever in the handover meeting but they didn't I thought I didn't actually know me therefore they didn't know how to kind of like fully help me so I they changed my meds in there while I was in there so I'm now on like the stable kind of dose of meds I'm on 375 milligrams I've been the vaccine I'm on 25 milligrams could typing in the morning 75 at lunchtime 209 that's what I changed it to yeah I was discharged on the 15th of May so I spent a month and I returned back to uni pretty much immediately I'm currently catching up on work still I've got another month to get the last assignments done because I am still hoping to start third year in September which I know is kind of putting a lot of pressure on myself but uni I've always said is the only thing that gives me that sense of purpose still so like I want to continue with that because I want to like I want to graduate I want to like achieve all that I want to achieve and I don't want to let my mental health get in the way of that yeah so that's kind of where we're at now really these are the time salons they meds I was meant to be referred to DBT and I was meant to receipt like guess he'd get an allocated CPN but my team never organized that which I knew that they wouldn't I was promised that I wouldn't be discharged from hospital until I was allocated a CPM that didn't happen and I have not been referred to DBT I'm not even on the waiting list so yeah in terms of my mental health now obviously some days it's better than others but looking at how I am now and looking at how I was back in like March and April I I'm not that person anymore I have come a long way since then doesn't mean I don't struggle but I'm able to kind of deal with things a little bit better now yeah I'm sorry if I've seemed like kind of like disconnected from any of why I say but I've never really sat down and looked at all kind of a timeline like that before so yeah if I seem kind of separate from anything that I say it's just kind of just kind of how I speed kind of how I deal with things really right now well it's last night especially I was quite disassociated so I'm still coming kind of coming out of that and disassociation is something I'd like to do a video on actually because I feel like that's something that memory talks about um when it comes to mental health but yeah that's my mental health story so far I'm still here I'm still fighting I'm still you know I'm taking his day at a time I'm so proud of myself still being here and yeah I hope that I can look back on this one day and think wow I'm one badass woman but for now I'm fine with just being here and being content so thank you so much for watching if anyone actually makes it to the end I'll be very surprised but yeah thank you so much for watching and teens remember to reach out ask for help your mental health you are worthy of help and I promise you that you'll get there all in this together as they say in high school new school so yeah I will see you guys very very soon again if you need support I'm gonna write some support things in the description of the video so yeah I will see you guys very soon and look after yourselves bye


  1. Breaks my heart to hear about what you’ve been through, life has put you through so much shit but I’m beyond proud to see you here to tell your story. Thank you for being so vulnerable, it takes a serious amount of courage to share something like this, I’m positive you have helped a lot of people with this video as well as hopefully yourself! I wish you nothing but happiness and health, you deserve the world! There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see such a bright future for you! I don’t know you but i can see you have a heart of gold and I’m so grateful you’re doing so much better. I know there are ups and downs still to come but know that me and many others are here to support you and that you can get through anything! 🖤🌈✨🌹😊

  2. Hey kayleigh you're so pretty and don't be sad I just subbed to you and will follow you in your life journey I'm with you all the way I'm male 27 England I will be you're friend also like you're earrings and nose ring you have a lot to look at and love you're teddy the brown teddy never feel alone I am with you forever just think of me being your teddy by your side every night xxxx

  3. Was finally able to finish watching your video. Thank you for sharing your story, I can tell this video was difficult for you to make, and I really admire you for sharing. You have overcome and fought through so many difficult times, you are so strong, and I know that you can do this. Your make up is gorgeous and you look so beautiful here. Stay strong, sending you lots of love💗

  4. I know this is random but I really love your makeup, your eyebrows are unreal I’m jealous. I’m so proud of you for putting this out there and for fighting this

  5. You are amazing Kayleigh, you inspire me so much. University is one of the only things that gives me purpose too. We have got this xx

  6. Thank you for sharing, you are so brave to be able to share your story, really proud of you ❤❤❤❤❤

  7. The best we can do is to try living the best life we see as best fitting for us so long as it is not imposing on others. The number 1 regret of Dying People is : "I wish I had lived a Life True to Myself not the Life others expected of me. " Failing that people should have the Option to Exit their lives in a non violent manner if they so wish to do so.

    For myself, I wanted to have Friends ( more than 1 friend that I can hang out with ), a suitable Life Partner, a Home of my own ( no stable employement to be able to have ) plus a pet (s) ( as a renter I am not allowed to have pets, almost no rentals in country I live in allow pets ). Never did I think that at age 35 I would have none of these. All on top of having been abandoned and abused only to be adopted at age 5 by 2 persons who abused me too.

    My philosophy on Life and Death: Life is an Impositions, no one asks to be born, consent is not given to be born likewise one ought to be allowed to exit their Life if one wishes to do so in a Humane way. Unfortunately, like someone born into a Cult through NO CHOICE of their own, if that person wants to Exit the Cult they are in, the person will not be allowed to, they will be coarsed to stay by other Cult members and so it is that we are all born into the Cult of Life.

    I have had 3 Suicide attempts, I should not be forced to continue to endure my Life if I no longer want to. No one should be obliged to endure their own lives if they no longer want to. At the end of the day no one is going to live my Life for me, no one lives someone else's life, no one is somebody else so only person whose life it belongs to can make the most accurate judgement of if their Life is worth living or not. Comparing Bad with Worse does not make the Bad good. There are many who believe like me that all Adults should have access to the means of Ending their Lifes in a Peaceful manner IF and WHEN they decide to. It is Exercising Body Autonomy. Rights over the Life and Body of a Person belong to the person whose body it Inhabits.

    So many times I have wanted out of my Life, the only thing I regret is not having been yet succesful in exiting it. Many keep trying to end their lives more than once until they finally are succesful. The Right to Die should be for all, not exclusively dictated by Governments as to who Lives or Dies. Every Birth is a Death to Come. Every Cradle is a Grave. If we have a Right to Life then we should have a Right to Death as there is none without the other. In Life there are ONLY 2 Things GUARANTEED: Suffering and Death. Suffering is also something one can not have without Life. Some Suffer more than others but we all Suffer while existing. No one suffers from Cronic Enjoyment of Life only from Cronic Illness, Disease etc…

    All Adults should have the Right to access the means to die in a Non-Violent, Peaceful, Quick, Dignified Manner. As it stands most people are being forced to have to End their lives in a very violent manner, traumatic for those who find them and sometimes it is done in Public, traumatising whoever happens to witness it.

    The War on Suicide is the same as the War on Drugs: FUTILE. As long as humans have existed a small minority of them have been taking their own lives and as long as Humans exist they will continue to do so. Trying to Control Human Behaviour when it comes to their Own Lives and their Own Bodies never succeeds. Utimately the Person's Own Will Will Prevail.

    There are several reasons why most are so HELL- BENT on denying the fact some people want to die; people who are not 'mad' and who may not even be ill. One reason for most people's inability to understand why a person may want to die is that we are frightened by Suicide. The fact that slightly more than 2300 people here in Australia, for example, deliberately take their own lives each year is enough to send many of us into a panic. Most find it entirely unpalatable that some, if not many, of these people have personal – and, dare we say, legitimate – reasons for wanting to die.

    A second and related reason in explaining most people's discomfort about Suicide, concerns the utility of mental illness. Confronted with the Suicide of a person we knew, most of us are inclined to seek a psychological explanation for the act. Were they depressed? Did something happen to upset them? Did they show signs of emotional turmoil before taking their life? It is more consoling to regard self destruction as a passive act than to consider the possibility that someone we cared about wanted to leave us. In this regard it goes to the crux of most people's collective dismay about self – destruction. And it is here that the linkage of Suicide to Mental Illness becomes so convenient. All of a sudden most people can stop interrogating themselves, both individually and collectively; we no longer need to take the rejection of the person who Suicides at a personal level. If we believe that person was mentally Ill, we are all let off the hook. If we think this way we also need not confront the awfulness of disease and it's ability to destroy our sense of self. And we need not confront the realities of old age, where an ageing body can spoil the treasured image. The image in the photograph taken many years before is usually the one we want to remember. And then there is the Issue of how little control one individual can have over the life of another: how far short we fall in cajoling others to see the world as we do. On this it is easier to live with our powerlessness in the face of mental illness than to acknowledge how limited we are to influence the behavior of another human being.

    The problem with mainstream psychiatry is it considers suicide a result of "mental illness," and it treats suicide as a necessary condition to be treated with "medication," even though many cases are not a result of "mental illness." Many times people are suicidal because of their life situation, their philosophy on life, apathy, etc., which are not related to a "mental illness," unless you make "mental illness" so vague it applies to pretty much everything.

  8. Watched till the end 😊 you are such a strong inspiring person it's such a brave thing to put your story out there you should be so proud of yourself Thank you for all you do keep going x

  9. So eloquently told. I relate so much to your story, felt like you were talking about my own past. Thank you for sharing. You are so beautiful inside and out 💛 Here if you ever want talk xxx

  10. its nice to see someone that goes through similar stuff you go through

    thank you for making me feel less alone

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